I was feeling really angry yesterday evening, and when I woke up this morning, I was still angry. I know some of it is PMS, but I also believe that PMS helps to pull back the nice, shiny veneer we use to cover our more difficult emotions during the rest of the month. Often how we really feel about things is revealed during this portion of our cycles. And for me this month it is revealing long-held anger, hurt, and disappointment.
So I sat down in front of my altar with my anger, lit my altar candle, said “Goddess, I’m really angry this morning,” and I sat with it. I did my tree meditation, sending roots into the ground and branches into the sky. This took a while because it was hard to focus through all the emotion swirling inside. I prayed about it, asking for help and clarity. Next, I did my daily card draw from my Gaian Tarot and Womanrunes decks, and I literally said out loud, “Whoa!”
I drew the same two cards from each deck: cards 13, Death/Transformation. As I pondered them, I remembered the description of Death in the Gaian Tarot book that talks about the death of a cherished dream, and I knew with a sudden flash of insight that this is what needed to die for me: the dream of how I wanted a certain relationship in my life to be. And this insight gave me an amazing sense of peace.
All of these years, I have been dragging my dream of how I want things to be, of how I think they should be, around like that poor dead heron in the card, periodically trying to breathe life into it, and being hurt and angry when it didn’t respond to my ministrations. It’s time to let it die, to let it go, to accept the reality of the situation.
The grieving is not finished yet—I’m still angry. It may be justified, but it isn’t helping. My anger and hurt won’t change the situation, I have to learn to accept and work with what is. My dream will not come true in this situation. This is very sad, and it isn’t easy to let it go, but now I can start working on letting it die.
Because after death comes rebirth. After death comes transformation. All that energy will be released, ready to flow into new channels, into new dreams.
Sometimes daily spiritual practice can feel routine, but today I was reminded about how important it is, and how bringing everything to my altar, even the ugly things, can be profoundly helpful and healing. I am so grateful.
Now to get to the hard work of grieving and letting go!