I’ve been struggling with my spiritual practice ever since hurting my back and then being sick for three weeks with a cold. I got out of the habit of my daily morning practice, and out of the habit of reading, meditating, praying, or journaling in the evenings, and it has been hard to get back to it since I started feeling better. It is easy to start feeling like a spiritual failure.
So many of us find most of our spiritual community online. We follow spiritual people that we admire on Facebook and Instagram, and many of them only share positive posts showing their lovely treks in the woods, their morning spent journaling over their coffee, their altar glowing with candles for their evening rituals. It is encouraging to see these kind of posts, and I try to keep my posts positive, too, but this isn’t the whole story for me, and I’m guessing that it isn’t the whole story for anyone else, either.
Life gets messy. We get sick, or our family members or friends get sick, and our practice languishes. Or you may struggle with anxiety or depression like I do, which can sometimes hit us out of nowhere and leave our spiritual lives as well as our everyday lives in shambles. Dirty dishes pile up, beds don’t get made, our altars get dusty. Yet we see these other people online who seem to have it together every day with perfect homes, perfect children, perfect spiritual lives, and we start to feel like we’re doing sometime wrong, failing in some way. That we aren’t trying hard enough, or maybe we’re on the wrong path, or maybe we’re just not cut out for living a spiritual life.
However, over the years I’ve come to realize the ups-and-downs of our spiritual lives are just normal. I’ve gone months, even years, without a regular spiritual practice, feeling adrift and unsure about my path. But I always get back to it eventually, and as I’ve practiced more regularly over the years, as I’ve gotten more clear about my path and more dedicated to it, I experience fewer periods of uncertainty, and they don’t last as long as they used to. But they still happen, and that is okay. I am not a spiritual failure.
I think this is why the spiral is one of my favorite symbols. To me it represents our journey, both our journey in this lifetime, as well as over many lifetimes. Sometimes we are moving towards the center, feeling tuned in and connected to Goddess/the Divine. Other times we are on the outer edge of the spiral, feeling like we are moving backwards, away from Goddess, away from our spiritual center. But it is all part of the journey, the moving inward, and the spiraling outward, and wherever we are on the path is simply where we are on the path, we don’t have to judge it. We are not spiritual failures.
Our spiritual practices are important, and they are definitely worth working our way back into, even during those times when we don’t feel like it (I have a whole other post planned soon about that!), but sometimes, we just aren’t going to do them. Sometimes, we are going to feel disconnected from the Divine. Sometimes, we aren’t going to have any inspiring photos to post to Facebook or Instagram. Sometimes we are going to doubt ourselves, and doubt that we are on the right path. But we still aren’t spiritual failures.
Spiritual growth comes from the struggle to get back to our practices, to find our center again, to reestablish our connection with Goddess, even if it takes months, or years. Maybe sometimes all we need to do is just yearn for that connection, even if we aren’t taking any active steps to get back to it. I hope that is true, because some days yearning is all I have. And some days I don’t even have that. Yet, I’m still not a spiritual failure.
I write this for myself as much as for anyone else. I don’t have the answers, really. I just know that I periodically spiral away from my spiritual practice, and I miss it, and I spiral back towards it again.
Maybe there are some people who find a spiritual practice, a spiritual path, and stick with it perfectly without any issues, but that hasn’t been my experience, or the experience of most people who I know. And if it hasn’t been your experience, either, don’t worry: you aren’t a spiritual failure.
You’re just a human on a journey to reconnect with the Divine. You’ll find your way back again, and so will I. There is no way for us to fail at this, because there is no final destination, no perfect way to be. It is a continuous journey, whether we’re moving forward or backward, or standing still. We can’t get it wrong.
Blessed be the journey!